The hardest part for me was when the funeral was over and all the guests were gone and you’re alone. Whether there is family around you or not, you feel alone and unsettled. I’m told by some that no place feels like home anymore after the loss of a loved one. I hope that doesn’t prove to be true.
I cried my heart out when I finally got to be alone. I kicked off my shoes and sat at the computer and just help my head in my hands reading all the emails and messages of condolences and support that were sent to me. And I clearly remember my breathing it seemed short and quick and for a days i recall having to focus on it to try and keep it normal. It was almost like I forgot how to do it, forgot how to breathe.
A blow to your soul like that affects you in ways you can’t imagine. You’re exhausted but you can’t sleep. You try to keep a normal routine but can’t focus. You’re expected to carry on like everything is fine. When really inside, you are a mess. Ready to explode at any given time. A word, a thought, a smell, a sound anything can trigger it. I have moments where i want to scream so loud and I’m angry. That’s not who I used to be.
The death of a loved one is something that all of us is likely to experience during our lifetimes, often more then once. Your life will never be the same but it doesn’t necessarily need to be for the worse. Dealing positively with your grief is what you will need to begin your recovery process and your ability to continue with it will fulfill your own life for the better. This is what i hope for you and for myself.
In the Shattered section of this website you will find a collection of stories written by those who have lost loved ones. For my own recovery, hearing and reading these stories has helped me understand my own feelings. I don’t believe any of us wants the hurt to go away completely, we don’t want to forget but we will need to control it. As this section fills up and more stories come in, hopefully they will help you understand some of the emotions you are likely to go through and will offer some suggestions on how best to cope and deal with your grief.